I almost lost my will to homestead..

I have been avoiding writing this post for almost a month now. But it must be done, or it will continue to be like a cloud looming over me.

On July 23, 2021, we said goodbye to Victoria's Image, aka Victoria/Vic. She would have celebrated her 30th birthday this coming January. We had a nasty outbreak of Potomac Horse Fever in our area, and Vic had been sick for about a week. I didn't catch it early enough, something I am still struggling with. With her age and other health issues, I was deeply worried. I woke up that Friday morning with a lot of hope that maybe the treatments the vet had given her earlier that week were starting to work, but it quickly became evident that she was losing her battle, and the vet concurred. We spent as much time together as we could saying goodbye, then called the vet back to help her get home peacefully as my family and her goat kids Dolly and Mae stood vigil. She is laid to rest next to her friend Honey who passed in October, and Smoke who left many years earlier. When I get enough courage I will plant her a garden and get headstones for them all. But I am not ready yet.

Vic was my first horse, a gift for my 15th birthday, and proof that childhood dreams occasionally come true. I turned 35 a few weeks ago without her, the saddest birthday I have ever had. She was my heart horse, and although she didn't have perfect conformation or behavior for a registered quarter horse mare, she was beautiful and perfect to me. She came to me as a “retired” lesson horse at the age of 9, and it soon became evident that her sass was partially to blame. But I loved that little horse with her big fiery spirit just as much as her shiny chestnut coat, thick multicolored main and tail, her pretty white star, and her smooth, slow jog. We did so much trail riding and had so many great times over the 20 years that I was blessed to spend with her. During a riding accident when I was 16, I broke my back in several places, and that sassy horse helped me hobble all the way back home. After her lung issues meant no more riding, she was still my faithful companion, and the best barn buddy who always watched her feet in the presence of chickens, ducks and goats so as not to injure anyone underfoot. She was the very best goat mom, both to her friend Gracie for a whole decade, then to Dolly and Mae these last few months..she was devoted and protective. Vic got me through the worst moments of growing up and beyond, and that star on her face became my north star many times throughout my life, especially in these last few years while dealing with so much loss. I spent every work break, day off, and evening with her. She was my emotional support animal in ways most people probably won't ever fully understand. Losing her has been disorienting to say the least. Despite the fact that Vic was the original reason for this farm in the first place, I almost lost my will to homestead entirely. I can barely go outside, or look at anything around here without thinking of her. But I must be brave. I have had to ask for help in ways I have never had to before in order to move forward. That’s ok. I can never know if I made the right choice in letting her go, but it seemed unfair to keep her any longer, so it was a choice made with a lot of love and the single greatest broken heart I've ever had. Were it not for the support I received on that day and after from family and friends, I would still be laying in the dirt beside her. And so, for the second time in 9 months, I have an empty stall and a broken heart.

Vic taught me much, and losing her has reminded me of how very much I love horses. I loved Vic most of all. I don't know "how to be" without a horse on this homestead. I hate that the horse smell is fading. I hate that the paddock grass is growing and there's nobody to eat it right now. I hate that her footprints are fading every time it rains. Grooming brushes and tack unused, no stall to clean or whickered greeting when I go outside. I hate that the goats are so lost looking and vulnerable without her. Most of all, I hate that this happened and that our story together has ended. But I am reminded that on this homestead we have made a lifetime commitment to the animals that live here. Losing her hurt like nothing else ever has, but I know deep down that the 20 years spent being Her Person was worth this pain. Wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge, Sweet Girl. You have made me who I am, and I will carry you with me forever.

When a Garden is More Than Just a Garden..

We are in the second half of July now. Our Spring drought has more than resolved thanks to several inches of rain these past two weeks. Snapdragons, coneflowers and gladiolas are in full bloom. The garlic leaves are slowly dying back, green tomatoes abound, with a few ripe cherries here and there. Our newest chickens have just started to lay their first “practice” eggs. Our Cornish cross broilers have made it to freezer camp, and we were glad to have that behind us before the hot weather took hold (those birds do not do well in heat). Dolly and Mae, our Nigerian Dwarf goat kids, are continuing to grow and although they are larger their energetic antics haven’t subsided. Our Pekin and Khaki Campbell ducklings are large now, and have made friends with their big brother Ferdinand (also a Pekin). They waddle here and there, spouting out random loud quacks as if laughing at some barnyard joke. Our two Buckfast honeybee hives are a mixed bag this year; one hive is coming along well and the other swarmed in late May, which means a queen left with many of the worker bees in tow. The remaining population is rebuilding and the new queen just started laying eggs again. This is good, but they are far behind their sister hive. Victoria, our senior Quarter Horse mare, has been busy supervising her adopted goat kids. She has had a good summer so far but she has been ill this past week and on and off her feed with other symptoms. We are concerned, particularly about Potomac Horse Fever, so the large animal vet will come out tomorrow and let us know what he thinks. If that is the diagnosis, there is not much to be done except encourage her to eat and drink, rest, and hope for the best outcome. It’s always something here.

We are working on a few more YouTube videos for our channel. Instead of just using an old iphone and editing in ivideo, I am finally attempting to learn new editing software now that we have a computer system capable of running it, but it is not something I am a natural at to say the least. However, I need to keep trying because I suspect the results will be well worth it. We are not yet in a regular routine but hopefully we will get into the swing of things as I gain more confidence.

Projects in general are slow going here for right now. We both have day jobs which take much out of us, each in different ways. That’s all I shall say about this publicly, but we both recognize that we are being called to other things. Homesteading and trying to become more self-sufficient is tough when you need a full time effort in a part time timeslot. That said, we do the very best we can while taking small steps each week towards larger goals.

I was talking with a friend recently about the sorry state of our gardens these past many weeks, lamenting the overgrown aisles, the unused space in many of the beds, the unpruned, tangled mess of tomato vines that are a result of my failure to trellis them appropriately. These same plants were that I painstakingly germinated from seed last winter, fed and watered, provided light for all Spring, hardened off and babied until they stood safely on their own roots in the garden..and yet here they are in this state only months later. Lettuce bolting everywhere, overwintered plants now seeding out, and me not even recalling the varieties in order to save seed from them. In many places, volunteer seeds from last year’s bounty have sprung up from where they fell, like haphazard little blessings offering their services…just not where I needed them to be. That rectangular plot of land we call our garden is a reflection of our lives at the moment. There’s a definite direction, but we let outside worries distract us; work stress, family obligations, personal losses, all of those things descend on us and what suffers most is often that one thing we love most. The thought of having to put all of the chaos back in order is overwhelming, but if we don’t reclaim that space we are at risk of giving up on it altogether at some point. Where to start, where to start..

So, when is a garden not just a garden?

Welcome to the Words of Wojo-Our Homestead Blog!

It is our intention to post monthly homestead updates, and use this space to further discuss things we talk about on YouTube. Look for more updates soon!